THE RITE Review (1-1/2 out of 5 stars)

Guilty of the deadliest sin in storytelling: it will bore you silly.

I couldn’t help but laugh to myself at the caveats THE RITE's credits kept hurling at its viewers, whether the official line that it’s “inspired” by true events, the strangely ambiguous description of its relationship to Matt Baglio's The Rite: The Making of a Modern Exorcist, or its damning disclaimer at the end, “This is a work of fiction.” But whether it's a work of fiction, non-, or exists in some factual purgatory between the two, in the end what matters most is whether the story it delivers is a compelling one, and in that respect it indubitably fails.

Seminary student Michael Kovak (played by newcomer Colin O'Donoghue) is sent to the Vatican learn about exorcisms; he’s told it’s an appropriate experience for potential clergymen like himself: full of promise – and full of doubt. In Rome he shadows the kindly but mysterious Father Lucas (Anthony Hopkins), an actual exorcist plagued by his own struggles with his faith. 

Director Mikael Hafstroem (1408, plus a number of films I’d never heard of) thus takes on a subject already explosively introduced to moviegoers in 1973, the groundbreaking horror classic THE EXORCIST. As proof of how revered the film continues to be, The Library of Congress announced just over a month ago that they’d selected William Friedkin’s film for the National Films Registry, reserved for films deemed “culturally, historically or aesthetically significant.” And while Linda Blair and her pea soup opened almost forty years ago, a new generation has since become accustomed to the theme of “The power of Christ compels you!” on the big screen. THE EXORCIST’s lame sequels not withstanding, in recent years alone we’ve been spooked (or not) by THE LAST EXORCISM (2010), THE EXORCISM OF EMILY ROSE (2005), EXORCIST: THE BEGINNING (2004), DOMINION: PREQUEL TO THE EXORCIST (2004) and STIGMATA (1999). And that doesn't even include the laundry list featuring demonic possession in all its other various stripes - pardon the pun, but such movies are legion. The LA Times recently posted a slide show citing everything from PARANORMAL ACTIVITY and JENNIFER’S BODY in the 2000’s to THE SHINING and AMITYVILLE HORROR in the 70’s.

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DEAD SNOW Netflix Review (2 out of 5 stars)

DEAD SNOW opened in 2009.

Since DEAD SNOW both hails from Europe and opened at Sundance in '09, this zombie film fetishist hoped for something special. In it, eight Norwegian twenty-somethings at a mountain getaway encounter - as the poster clearly displays – Nazi zombies.

The film’s level o’ gore tops that of the already gory classics SHAUN OF THE DEAD and the DAWN OF THE DEAD remake (both from 2004). In what is by far the most gruesome scene, the monsters squeeze a man’s eyes out (a la BLADERUNNER), then rip his head is in half, his brain thudding on the floor. The creatures otherwise stick to disemboweling people as they’re thrashing about. Curiously, they never eat their victims, just scoop the intestines out as if familiarizing themselves with the human anatomy.

Unlike 2004’s zombie films, we don't get to know the characters of DEAD SNOW beyond simple archetypes: “handsome outdoorsman,” “film buff,” “horny guy,” etc.; the women are even less defined. Because of that, I found myself not caring as they were picked off one by one. And it becomes obvious (spoiler!) by the halfway point that none are going to survive: when the most likable (semi-) character gets bitten, you figure that if he’s not going to make it, none of them will.

These Nazis are smarter than your garden variety living dead - their commander actually coordinates their attacks, and they all seem to pay some attention to maintaining their uniforms. Given such human qualities, it might have been cool if the director chose to imbue their top dog with some hints of a personality. But all he does is bare his (somehow perfectly intact) teeth as he gesticulates orders to his hellish minions.

NO STRINGS ATTACHED Review (1 out of 5 stars)

No thought attached is more like it.

In this formulaic rom com, Emma (Natalie Portman) and Adam (Ashton Kutcher) are life-long friends, per the official synopsis. (Though they’re really just acquaintances who keep running into each other.) They ultimately make a pact to become sex partners and nothing more. And guess how that works out for them? 

NO STRINGS ATTACHED is plain un-funny – the bulk of its coitally themed one-liners fall flat (Or should I say they’re limp.). It didn’t help that the screening I attended was held in a huge theatre that was less than half full, many of the seats marked reserved yet never claimed. The nonstop sex banter gets boring quickly, the dialogue stale and unimaginative. Characters drop the f-bomb about every thirty seconds, often jarringly: “Did you fuck her?” Oh, and how about that opening scene where the sad-eyed boy blurts out to the girl sitting next to him, “Can I finger you?!” Now that is hilarious. Everyone in the movie talks this way, usually in very public places. It’s too easy imagining some studio exec patting themselves on the back for thinking they’d impress the twenty-something set by just saying “fuck” again and again. But there’s next to nothing clever or humorous in this paint-by-the-numbers script, nor is there anything even vaguely sexy.

Portman phones her performance in. She appears not to have given an iota of thought to Emma, and I’m surprised she bothered doing publicity rounds for the film. This otherwise talented starlet must have been offered buckets of cash, or why else bother with such tripe during what she must have suspected could be the pinnacle of her career with BLACK SWAN? Ashton Kutcher on the other hand has proven himself pretty much incapable of any range. (Though he did nail mimbo Michael Kelso from “That 70s Show.”) How many failed romantic comedies (KILLERS, WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS, JUST MARRIED, this) must he assist in sinking before the biz throws in the towel on this guy? In contrast, he’s proven himself a successful entrepreneur in TV and new media, producing multiple reality shows, generating buzz on Twitter, and co-founding Katalyst, a studio receiving high marks from Ad Age and Fast Company. He needs to put his flat-lining acting career to rest and engage his real talents full time.
 
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THE COMPANY MEN Review (2-1/2 out of 5 stars)

Might’ve been a great film if the director had downsized Affleck.

This is for the most part an upper class story, of wealthy men suffering the loss of their income and nervously eyeing their potential new spots in the middle class. (In other words, none of them have to live out of their cars.) The story is obviously applicable to our dark economic times, and Academy Award winners Chris Cooper, Tommy Lee Jones, and – get this – Kevin Costner all deliver excellent performances. But the typically smirking Ben Affleck sadly and perhaps unsurprisingly strikes out as Bobby, THE COMPANY MEN’s central character.

High-flying corporate exec Bobby Walker is let go from his job alongside fellow masters of the universe Phil Woodward (Cooper) and Gene McClary (Jones). Shaken, the three men must go about reinventing their careers while coming face to face with the real state of their family lives.

Bobby is so obnoxious you have to wonder what his smart, independent-thinking wife Maggie (well played by Rosemarie Dewitt) sees in the guy. Arriving late to his cushy job that fateful morning - bragging about his golf game, no less - he’s simply amazed that his employer doesn’t see the value in keeping him. He condescends to his wife, forgets his son (while Affleck’s old enough to father a teen, it still doesn’t look right) and outright insults his working class brother-in-law for offering him a job – all long enough into the film that his eventual, forced turnaround near the end doesn’t feel earned. After all that, (spoiler) he’s presented with a near perfect job again, and with all his old coworkers to boot. Happy ending! Really? With all the horror stories out there, Walker’s tale doesn’t come across as particularly realistic. And Affleck’s constant virtual wink at the camera – look at me as the rich guy toughing it out among the regular folk! – is neither cute nor amusing. Affleck’s shoddy acting aside, the life education his character receives in THE COMPANY MEN isn’t enough to warrant Walker’s placement at the heart of what would otherwise be a decent film.

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