NO STRINGS ATTACHED Review (1 out of 5 stars)

No thought attached is more like it.

In this formulaic rom com, Emma (Natalie Portman) and Adam (Ashton Kutcher) are life-long friends, per the official synopsis. (Though they’re really just acquaintances who keep running into each other.) They ultimately make a pact to become sex partners and nothing more. And guess how that works out for them? 

NO STRINGS ATTACHED is plain un-funny – the bulk of its coitally themed one-liners fall flat (Or should I say they’re limp.). It didn’t help that the screening I attended was held in a huge theatre that was less than half full, many of the seats marked reserved yet never claimed. The nonstop sex banter gets boring quickly, the dialogue stale and unimaginative. Characters drop the f-bomb about every thirty seconds, often jarringly: “Did you fuck her?” Oh, and how about that opening scene where the sad-eyed boy blurts out to the girl sitting next to him, “Can I finger you?!” Now that is hilarious. Everyone in the movie talks this way, usually in very public places. It’s too easy imagining some studio exec patting themselves on the back for thinking they’d impress the twenty-something set by just saying “fuck” again and again. But there’s next to nothing clever or humorous in this paint-by-the-numbers script, nor is there anything even vaguely sexy.

Portman phones her performance in. She appears not to have given an iota of thought to Emma, and I’m surprised she bothered doing publicity rounds for the film. This otherwise talented starlet must have been offered buckets of cash, or why else bother with such tripe during what she must have suspected could be the pinnacle of her career with BLACK SWAN? Ashton Kutcher on the other hand has proven himself pretty much incapable of any range. (Though he did nail mimbo Michael Kelso from “That 70s Show.”) How many failed romantic comedies (KILLERS, WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS, JUST MARRIED, this) must he assist in sinking before the biz throws in the towel on this guy? In contrast, he’s proven himself a successful entrepreneur in TV and new media, producing multiple reality shows, generating buzz on Twitter, and co-founding Katalyst, a studio receiving high marks from Ad Age and Fast Company. He needs to put his flat-lining acting career to rest and engage his real talents full time.
 
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